In two days, the podcast I recorded with the CEO of my company will drop. I’m assuming roughly 50% of the recorded content will be edited to convey the message they’d like to present for “Women in Construction” month. Am I nervous? A little. Even so, I have confidence the content will honor God because the people in production know what they are doing.

I am not eloquent and am socially awkward. My mind spins quickly but only some of the thoughts come out of my mouth. Marty drove the bus for the conversation. He was easy to talk to. I know God was present.

Okay, that was last week when I tried desperately to write on my one day off and realized, it wasn’t working. I truly needed to–

Trust.
The.
Process.

It’s not simply trusting the producer of the podcast but about trusting God with every detail of life, including the content of the podcast. [CLICK HERE] to listen, which I recommend over watching it on YouTube. You can choose how to spend this hour of your life. Seeing oneself is worse than listening to your own voice– well, for me it is.

My thoughts began high speed rumination as soon as my tires hit the tollway on the way back to Wiscoland following the recording session. Why did I say this? Or that? Why didn’t I follow Marty’s lead to expand more on [a dozen random conversation trails].

There has been no time to write and fill those gaps because we are unseasonably busy pouring concrete. Sleep is essential as a truck driver. The little time remaining is for laundry, meal prep, prayer, and family. Sadly, we aren’t seeing our families much. During the workday, I have downtime as I wait for my next load or waiting to pour on the job. If electronics were allowed in my cab, I certainly wouldn’t have the ability to focus. I require hyper focus to write. I put an old-school notebook in my back pack and have been journaling thoughts as time allows. In the coming weeks, I’ll put these thoughts into cyberspace. My hope is always to inspire others to have faith and to trust the process of life. God always has a purpose for everything we encounter. Every detail.

Marty asked if I was comfortable talking about the circumstances that brought me back to Wisconsin. I could muster only enough courage to say, “I almost lost it all” without using the word “suicide”. I’ve written about it at various times on this blog as well as my poetry blog. I hadn’t told anyone for years because I thought it was another failure. I accept it as part of my testimony God intends to use to help others in this darkness. The day after recording the Said in Stone podcast, I caught another Ozinga podcast from our safety team— Chasing Zero. The debut episode highlighted this topic [CLICK HERE]. Suicides in the construction industry at a tragically record high. The hosts discuss these statistics in an effort to reduce stigmas and offer insight as to what Ozinga is doing to assist our drivers and fellow coworkers. As God provides the words and opportunity, I will to write. Only then.

I also hope to write about my decade of under-employment, how my faith was stretched and how God held me in the darkness. Many find themselves in this place and it can be hard to navigate. Marty mentioned this after the interview– how my circumstances might encourage others. I recall Psalm 40 often:

I waited a long time for the Eternal;
    He finally knelt down to hear me.
    He listened to my weak and whispered cry.
He reached down and drew me
    from the deep, dark hole where I was stranded, mired in the muck and clay.
    With a gentle hand, He pulled me out
To set me down safely on a warm rock;
    He held me until I was steady enough to continue the journey again.

The podcast recording stirred many thoughts of past and present life. I’m accepting there is more to be told, not for my recognition but for God’s purpose and His glory. As my journey continues, I’ll keep moving forward but will watch my mirrors as well.

As if that were not enough,
    because of Him my mind is clearing up.
Now I have a new song to sing—
    a song of praise to the One who saved me.
Because of what He’s done, many people will see
    and come to trust in the Eternal.