I met a friend for lunch a few years ago. It was my birthday so she asked what I planned to do with the rest of my day. “I hope to write”, I replied. “I don’t think I have that much to say”, was her response. The sentence has marinated my mind often. On one hand, it affirms the call to write because I have many things I’d like to ponder and share. Yet in dark times, I’ve wondered what I have to contribute to the world that hasn’t already been said by more credible people. Writers block can be paralyzing given the right circumstances. It has been an extended season for pondering. The few posts I’ve pinned in the universe have stated these words as a theme. Mine is like many dormant blogs. I trust that to everything there is a season.

I happened on a writing this morning that brought encouragement. Oswald Chambers wrote:

The saint’s duty is to be still and listen. There is a “darkness” that comes from too much light— that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him (see Isaiah 50:10-11).

I found a reference in my bible from 2016 and can recall the valley I was in at the time. This passage was a beacon of hope then as well. It’s as if I have been wandering in the wilderness with frustration then happen upon a mark on a tree to remind me of the way out. Recent years have been a time of revelation and discovery with necessary weeding and pruning to rejuvenate growth to keep moving forward. I know the process started before 2020 when the earth tipped on its axis forcing many to contemplate a vast array of things. Despite the good I had been pouring in since my rebirth years before, I still had a root of bitterness that could turn to anger and rage at the most inopportune moments. I had to dig deeper to change the chemistry of the soil. A slow process. If not for human relations it would be easier to uproot, eradicate, and transplant. God is good to give us one another for accountability. I’ve come to realize how thin I spread myself over the years doing so out of a necessity I did not understand. I did so for affirmation and a sense of security. A foundation built on a slippery slope.

I’m grateful God benched me from a career that was fulfilling. A decade of hindsight reveals He has been careful with the details all along as He rebuilds on a new foundation. Although I knew He had my best interests in mind as I packed my office in 2014, there have been valleys so dark I did not know if I’d have the strength to crawl out. As much as I fear the shadows during isolation I know I am not alone. The growth that follows winter is exhilarating yet feels more like an echo than a whisper in the midst. I return to write because I know God uses all things for His plan and purpose. Perhaps through writing there is a soul unacquainted with me who needs hope for their future.

As I return to share myself through writing, a child that needs to be heard and a woman who needs to feel safe will make a guest appearances. I understand why my writing rambled on with over-explanation and rabbit trails. Although I have diagnoses (yes, plural) for my mind, I must be patient with myself as God gently rewires unhealthy thought patterns. I longed for years to have someone determine what could be wrong with me. Not for a crutch… I needed a foothold so I could navigate the climb.

The blog title will remain “Random Musings” because it is still apropos. I chuckle with this late in life and “inconclusive conclusion” that I’ve coped with ADHD for years. What will I do with it now? I am learning how to better respond to myself knowing the root. I am grateful there is more knowledge than ever with healthy coping tools. I lean into it when I need to be productive, give myself grace at other times, and am trying to learn self-discipline. The latter is my biggest struggle.

The description in the “about me” section are still on point as well. I actually find peace knowing a stranger will read the blog than one who knows me (or thinks they do). I have no aspiration for a book deal but know there is a purpose for writing, even if it is just a release God will make use of somehow. Follow along if you are compelled to do so. I’m less concerned about building a following than I had been led to believe as I started this journey. To God be the glory if these words impact a life for the better than that my name be known. A true introvert, indeed.

I love to laugh more than anything and hope to giggle at myself. I hope you will learn to find joy as well as we journey through life together. God is ever-present and knows what lies ahead. He knows my past and He’s always known my heart. This always brings comfort. Proverbs 31:25