Today would have been my wedding day.
It would have been.
I called it off when it clearly wasn’t headed in the right direction. It wasn’t the first err of judgement I had made in my life. It wouldn’t be the last.
I’ve had a lot of time this morning to think about the sovereignty of God. Sometimes He throws Himself between us and our shooter; sometimes He cleans up the shrapnel.
I had to assist in the surgery to remove shrapnel from my daughter’s wounded heart this winter. She was left with PTSD from a relationship that ended poorly… inappropriately is a better description. A couple weeks ago, he returned from across the ocean. She hadn’t fully recovered from the abrupt and unexpected ending. Seeing him was like viewing the casket of a loved one. It brings the reality into vision.
As difficult as it has been to watch this process, I know as a mother it is part of life. It’s difficult to know as a young person if you’re supposed to try harder or walk away.
As we age, it becomes easier to recover from losses. To pick yourself up and dust off or to see dangerous patterns to know when to walk away.
God answered our parental prayer in an unexpected way. He continues to answer my prayers, much to my surprise, in ways I never could have imagined. It is easier to wait on the Lord as I am older. There is much water under the bridge to prove His ways are best.
There is much in American news to bring light to our relentless judgement of one another, especially as parents. This sceptisisn makes it a bit more challenging to simply throw my hands in the air like a round of Chopped has ended. My child is 18 and I truly want to back off. Even though I have, there is a part of her that is ready to run at the sight of me. That stings.
The time has come for me to stop looking for snipers. I’ve been practicing this for a while now. I would die for her but she needs to walk with God fully and dodge her own bullets.
I’ll be the first person in the waiting room if she goes into triage. Hopefully she will see for herself, sooner rather than later, the bullets Christ took for her. She may need to become a parent herself to understand those her father and I intercepted. I pray the Holy Spirit living in her heart will guide her. She is a daring girl and it may take a few skinned knees and back stabs to make her way through adulthood. Maybe then she will see why I’ve been willing to throw myself under the proverbial bus. To some, I am Momma Hirsch. To others, I am a special kind of crazy.
I might have done a lot differently, given the chance. But we aren’t given that chance. We are, however, forgiven. I’m learning to throw my hands in the air sooner, rather than meddling in God’s business.
Today, I am grateful for the soveriegnty of God. Had I married the concrete foreman in 1989, I wouldn’t be in Mexico with the team laying literal and figuative foundations for His kingdom building. And the concrete foreman wouldn’t be in Hollywood living out his dream either. God is amazing.