I am awake in the early hours of morning.
It’s not the kind of awake where I can roll over, put the pillow over my ear and fall back asleep kind of awake. This is the kind where I am so wide awake I have considered every friend who is in need of prayer and asked the Spirit to prompt me to pray for more things I’m not aware of… And I’m still awake.
A wave of thoughts came rolling in and I needed to get up and write them down because I’m wide awake now. For me, it is a revelation.
If there is anything I have succeeded in doing over the course of my life it is my ability to hold on to emotions. When I consider how easily I can discern the value of material goods, it frustrates me that I can hold on to emotional things that are of no use to me. Let’s just call a spade a spade– holding on to negative feelings is being unforgiving.
I call myself a Christian.
The beauty and foundation of my faith in Christ is forgiveness.
So who do I think I am??
I am writing this post to hold my own thoughts accountable.
I am writing because I cannot let my thoughts be the boss of me.
As I lay in my bed this morning, I was praising a situation that has brought on a rash of discomfort to my soul that seems to be on the right path again. I have toiled and prayed about the situation for months. Many of my wee hour of the morning moments have been spent in prayer over this attrition.
I do not like attrition.
It pains me even more when I am at odds with a brother or sister In Christ.
I don’t know about you but I have a weakness in my prayer life. I begin praying but find myself having virtual conversations with the person I am struggling with in my mind. Earlier this week I found myself in this place once again regarding a difficult person who recently came into my life. I need to work alongside this person so I had better figure out early on how to appropriately react to their behavior lest their negativity might cause me to stumble and react in a way I would like to leave behind. I’m 47 years old. Tantrums are not pretty at any age and are downright ugly on a woman who is old enough to know better.
These virtual conversations that spin off my prayer life– are they all that bad? If I ALLOW them to empower me, they are detrimental. If I can limit them, use them to sort through my emotions, filter out the drama, and then bring them around full-circle, yes, the virtual conversation can be of use. The key is this: I must not allow them to tailspin to empower me with pride; I must return to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me and humble me. I must have a heartfelt, purposeful prayer with my heavenly Father to ask for the opportunity to confront the issue if it is in His will and for Him to guide my words when and if the opportunity presents itself.
The early morning revelation today has to do with a friendship that seems impossible to turn right side up. I’ve tried to get to the bottom of what might have happened but the fact remains, I am not even sure I know where the bottom is if I dive in to try to get to the bottom of it. How in the world have I allowed this situation to be the boss of me if I don’t even know what the real issue is? I have reached out to this person to no avail. I really need to let it go.
A similar situation happened a couple years ago. So much time had passed after an this person left my life with hurtful words. I had to forgive after investing countless hours toiling my thoughts into a tangled mess. It didn’t come easily but I eventually just let it go. I didn’t realize I had let go. I thought I had kept a list of wrongdoings in my wallet in case she and I ever ran into one another in the grocery store. I was prepared to pull out this list and post it on my forehead so she could see how hurt I had been.
He had a different plan. On the day I saw my old acquaintance, I recognized her, smiled, she smiled back and we both opened up our arms to embrace one another. A clean slate.
I need to remember this experience.
It was liberating.
It was freedom.
It ticked off the devil.
I know because a mutual acquaintance who isn’t walking with Christ tried to remind me of our past when she heard we crossed paths and it didn’t result in a cat fight in the middle of the department store. For years it ate at her until one day, that relationship needed to come to an end. Life is too short to hold on to useless baggage.
The other day I needed to wipe another slate clean. I believe God presented the opportunity and the words. I am grateful. The peace that came on my heart and mind is a priceless gift.
How often do we have issues with one another that turn into grudges?
If we had I a superpower, I would appreciate the ability to know the truth. To be able to know the heart of what really went down, sort it out, and make it right.
You know what? I already have this superpower…
It’s not my own but it is there for me to use whenever I need it.
The superpower I’ve been seeking for is forgiveness.
Let it go.
Let God sort it out.
Let Him remedy what needs to be remedied.
Let the rest blow away like dust into the wind.
It is my prayer that writing these words will keep me accountable to myself.
It is my prayer that if by some remote chance someone reading this who once considered me a friend and who might be holding something up to keep us separated– it is my prayer that all of those barriers could be broken down. The peace of Christ truly is a peace that surpasses all human understanding.
Let’s blow the minds of those in and of this world.
Eternity is a long time to hold on to a grudge.
As a matter of fact, I believe that type of baggage won’t be allowed past the security check into the next life.