The change in me.

“It will be exciting to see what He has in store for the coming year!”

I wrote this closing line on our Thanksgiving greeting last year. Man, He had some marvelous changes planned for 2014 when He offered these words. I never dreamed the path we are on was in His plan for this year.

I am at peace knowing there is a purpose for this current season of transition.
I am at peace knowing the need to stay on a slow and steady course.
I am trying to be patient and simply take in the scenery along the way.

But at this moment…

I am having a difficult time knowing my place, so I withdraw.
I am having a difficult time knowing when to speak, so I remain silent.
I am having a difficult time knowing what I am to let go of, so I let go of everything… everyone.

I was recently challenged with a question. This question has been heavy on my mind to ensure the answer on my lips was truly where my heart and mind are. The question asked if I was ready for a situation to turn out differently than I had hoped. I honestly have no control in the outcome of this situation. I learned this lesson when I was nine years old and my daddy died after a short battle with cancer.

Truth be told, most of my life has been a series of events that did not turn out as I hoped. In fact, the more painful experiences were the result of my desire to be in control oft times motivated by insecurity.
I am learning to let go.
I am learning how to live by faith.
I am learning to live accountable only to the One who matters most.
I am learning it will take a lifetime of leaning into God to know when to apply the brake and when to hit the gas pedal; a process each of us must learn at our own pace.

This post is going to be one that doesn’t come to a glorious resolution.

Why? I am about to embark on new ventures that are complete walks of faith. I am only in control of how I will react to the journey as it unfolds. In the midst of change, I am trying to use lessons from the past to gain wisdom and preparedness for the future— both the near future and the long-term future.

Is this a midlife crisis? Dear Lord, I despise that phrase as much as being labeled premenopausal.

It happens quite often for people, both men and women.
It happens at all ages. The difference is, from the outside looking in, we expect people to stay on a course established in their early adulthood. When someone takes a step to the left or right without an outside influence such as a loss (job, spouse, loved one), people like to analyze their motives. Most people will admit they do not like change. Therefore, when someone willingly takes a bold step they may look at their own life and rationalize where they are and who they are. They often judge the person making change to justify their unwillingness to take chances to get to where they want to be.

Dreams are quite personal.
Insecurity is quite personal.
Aspirations are often curtailed by our own belief in ourselves.
We allow our belief in ourselves to be influenced by those around us.
Who truly can see into our heart and mind? I know of just One who truly can.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that gets in other peoples business when we should mind our own. At the same time, we live in a world that hates confrontation and fails to address situations in our personal lives that really need tending to.

Perhaps in a few years I can write about how to overcome these predicaments of life.

For now, I’m going to allow a lot of time to be in prayer and meditation so my soul is nourished.
For now, I’m going to allow the Lord to provide opportunities to confront or let go of my past.
For now, I’m going to use every moment to listen to and see what He is trying to convey.

As He bridges my life from here to there, I know the process of refinement is hard.

It is like being shaken as He pans for gold.
It is like spinning on the potter’s wheel.
It is like being refined into pure silver.


When He said this would be a fight, He wasn’t kidding.

“…We also celebrate in seasons of suffering because we know that when we suffer we develop endurance, which shapes our characters. When our characters are refined, we learn what it means to hope and anticipate God’s goodness. And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.” Romans 5:3-5

I miss laughing.
I use to laugh a lot.
I laughed a lot because I didn’t take much seriously.
I didn’t take much seriously because I didn’t want to deal with some challenging situations.
I need to deal with some challenges so He can get me to the place He needs me to be.
I can’t get to where He needs me to be with extra baggage.
I am repacking my suitcase.

What do I need to pack?

“…fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. “ Phillipians 4:8

This is the challenge. In the midst of life, I developed relationships. God has brought people into my life for a time and a season. Some seasons are long; some are brief. As I’m adjusting my baggage to determine what is needed for His journey, there are going to be people who will ask me to carry something along for them. There will be people who will be upset I’m embarking on the journey. There will be people expecting me to come back from my trip rested and ready to pick up where I left off. Here is the trickiest part—is it a family trip? What if my love doesn’t like to fly?

Ah, yes! I am going to briefly touch on something that is a topic all its own. Spiritual priorities.
First, my relationship with God.
Second, my relationship with my husband.
Third, my relationship with my child.

If one is right with God and follows the first commandment, He will help align your other priorities. Tis’ true.

I did say I was going to briefly touch on this subject and so I will simply use this representation—
What happens if my third priority consumes me and I forget about my second priority to honor my husband? That’s right—this is where much of the world is right now. Our families are dominating our marriages and the solid foundation we hoped for our children is sinking in quicksand. Life is a balancing act, not a three-ring circus. If you find your life is a three-ring circus, who is your Ring Master?


Q: “Are you ready if this doesn’t turn out they way you hoped?”

A: Absolutely! He isn’t just in charge of my life but everyone around me using each and every encounter for His plan and purpose. In this, I trust.


Am I going through my change? Yes, one of many! But not that one…



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